Your preteen wants to talk to you, but perhaps not on your terms.
Don’t Take It Personally
Think back to when you were a tween. You probably wanted more space and more privacy, right? If you get your parents on the phone, you might hear some stories that sound exactly like what you’re going through. So, if your preteen stops sharing things with you or demands more space, don’t take it personally: They’re just experiencing the same emotional growing pains we all suffer through.
Follow The Golden Rule
Setting a good example for communicating with your tween is often the best way to get them to open up. If they see you respecting the boundaries of others, coming to other family members to talk openly, keeping your eyes on faces and away from screens, and generally showing how you wish to be treated, they’ll follow your lead. It’ll be a good way to set some standards and boundaries when both are changing fast for your tween. Or, simply put, tweens are increasingly asking to be treated like adults, so show them how adults earn that respect and autonomy.
Some screen time is OK, but hiding behind screens isn’t.
Limit “Hiding Screens”
None of us can pretend we haven’t tried to avoid an awkward or unwanted conversation by checking our screens, be it staring at the monitor at work or pretending to get a text. Tweens do this too, so make a point of setting limits on screen usage for the whole family. It won’t keep them from avoiding you entirely, but it will help your family to communicate more often.
Set Family Time
Another way to get communication going, or bolster what you already have, is to set specific times where the family gets together to talk. This could be family meals every day, a check in at the end of the day to sit down and talk about what’s been going on, family weekends, and other times. While this shouldn’t be the only time your tween can talk to you, if they know there’s a time, every day, where they can share what they’re doing and that they know you’ll listen, it’ll help them open up.
Practice Active Listening
Another effective tactic is to be an active listener. Pay attention to what your preteen is saying when they talk, and ask questions within certain boundaries. Ask after their feelings and what’s happening, and if they don’t want to share, only push if you think it’s a major emergency or important. In short, if they want to tell you something, show that you’re interested in what they’re saying.
Be Involved
Tweens do want you involved in their lives, to some extent — it just may not be to the degree you used to be involved. They may start deciding there are things they don’t need to tell you, and provided they’re not things you need to know, that’s something you should respect. But keep an ear open, help them out, and step in when they need it.
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